I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
She started howling at the moon. That was pretty much the deal breaker.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
What changed your mind?
Being sober
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
The best part of Easter was watching all his colorblind cousins try to find the eggs.
Rumor has it that you want to bring me soup in exchange for a blow job.
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Just deepthroated a hot dog. Thinking of you
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