I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
there is just no excuse for touching your mothers vagina.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Just invented taco cereal.
his basement wasnt heated so when i asked for a hoodie someone gave me a kimono.. i passed bc who the fuck knows where that shit has been recently
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
Idk my boobs are big but i dont think theyre hide a flask in them big..
Dude. I keep thinking about how I let a man gum my vagina.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
he looks like the poster child for myspace how the hell does he have other hoes?
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
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