Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.
Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
He said he’s shouting let’s get this bread the first time we have sex...
He’s very straightforward
Randomize
