I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight
I come bearing gifts of whiskey and vagina
He hasn't responded, but he probably just jizzed in his shorts again, so I'll give him time.
Apparently I stole windex from the cab driver. Klepto Tom strikes again.
You went full blown lifeguard... You wouldn't let me sleep until I was in the safety position, so I wouldn't die in my sleep...
Is there a polite way to say "Sorry for your head injury but I still want to hook up"?
I was walking out the front door and heard his roomate say "It looks like you need a chiropractor." I think my work here is done.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
There's a stripper getting there at 10 though so hopefully I'm out before the stripper gets there. I don't have time to deal with a stripper.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I woke up with a twisted ankle and was covered in lube. Not entirely sure what happened last night
We were looking everywhere for you and I finally found you in the closet talking to a build a bear.. So I gave you and myself another drink
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize
