I decided that not getting a job after college is gods way of telling me I will make a great housewife
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.
Got to see someone fall down the stairs while holding hot coffee and a folder full of papers. Best Monday ever.
At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze
My liver has a boner
I told her I wanted to use him as a chew toy while simultaneously licking his face.
Did she tell him? And if so, was he cool with it? If yes, date him, date the fuck outta him.
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
meow
use your words like a big girl
i ran over your cat.
Randomize
