life is too short to starve
life is also too short to be fat
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head
Just to save you guys the surprise, somebody shit outside of our door.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
honestly i just want a cigarette and someone to go down on me... are you interested in helping with either of those
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
The ratio of last drink to last smoke is so tricky. This could go on until the booze is gone
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
This is gonna be a long day for my vagina and I
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Randomize
