You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
We still need to grow old, buy a house, and drink 40's while wearing old people sunglasses, staring at the young studs mowing our lawn.
Drinking games this Saturday as usual although the ice cube tray game is banned due to last weeks incident
I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much
I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
Randomize
