So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
there's a booger on my laptop, i suspect it's yours
I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.
How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.
Good. I hope they all got E.Coli from snorting coke off of some homeless prick's asshole.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
please tell me he didn't just scream 'i am the yiff lord' at the cops
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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