I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Rick just drank rum out of a dog bowl after a dog already drank out of it.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
Randomize
