I woke up, mistook him for my ex, and started screaming. It was all that chest hair. I don't think this relationship is going anywhere.
I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.
She used the word "fragged" in proper context. tell me that's not bust-nut hot.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
He's on the porch naked. Help.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
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