There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
morning after pill = breakfast in bed
shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
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I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
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it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Some dudes just stopped and stared at me peeing in the street for like 5mins, and I yelled HEY. HEY. WANT ME TO SHIT IN YOUR MOUTH? I'LL SHIT ON YOUR CHEST FOR FIVE DOLLARS, PAPI
this is why i love drunk you
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Masturbating to the DNC live stream. Not my proudest moment
Can't meet up at the party. Gary was caught by the cops attempting to drop a deuce thru his ex wife's Subaru via sun roof. Details as soon as bail is processed.
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
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