saw "Pah-jure" lube. Thought of you. Wearing the same clothes to work tomorrow.
I stayed in, ate a pint of Hagen daas and watched a movie about aids. Soooooooo single.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
turns out the guy i was dating because he was a cop was not actually a cop. i learned this as he got arrested by real cops.
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.
i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.
apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
I just made mac at 3:10 am... My life is falling apart...
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
When you wake up and wonder why your bleeding and it feels like you jumped into a ceiling fan, dont worry. Ill explain it all when I wake up.
I almost wrecked my car because of a guy in skinny jeans had a boner
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
Randomize
