At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
Weed smoke burps in the boss's face. Job security.
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
Nothing like sunday church bells to aid your walk to the pharmacy to get plan b
Just showed my drunk fiancé where I got circumcised, she's been crying for twenty minutes.
We walking to the game and some random guy came up to to me and yelled "hey you're the whiskey guy!" And then high fived me then walked away
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Yeah I knew you'd like him. He's emotionally and physically self destructive.
We would have so much to talk about!
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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