Also, i'm pretty sure i've had my birth control pill stuck in my throat since like...two pm. So i'll be practicing safe oral sex tonight.
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
You came back with puke all over your sweatshirt and started doing darth vader impressions
I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?
ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"
I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
This is the fifth time tonight that girl has taken off my pants. Take me home. Now.
He has a wall filled with panties from past hook ups. So no, I didn't fuck him.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
