my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
I'm drinking nothing but vodka and coffee for the next 48 hours. For science.
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
You should hear the lecture my mom just gave me about cooking pizzas when im drunk because "I could have died".
I'm already too high to be publicly presentable. I just looked at myself in the mirror without my sunglasses. Debated contacts. Said aloud "But I'm nothing without my sunglasses."
I flashed my cleaning lady and don't remember who I went on a date with. I know who I woke up with though, that counts right?
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
I'll have a whole suitcase of emergency bacon with me obviously
I'm way too sober and people are way too heterosexual
You are a genius and a whore.
Guy peeing and puking at the same time in the women's restroom? So impressed that I can't be offended
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