And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
When he brought me into his room he showed me his James Bond calendar and matching sheets, and then told me that his goal in life is to be James Bond….epic fail. Mission Impossible. I was scared to take off his boxers to find out that they were also James Bond themed.
RUN LIKE YOUR JAMES BOND
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
absolutely not. he will always be that kid that threw up a ham and cheese sandwich in fourth grade to me.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
Walk of Shame today included voting.
When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.
Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
Randomize
