I cannot find my penis.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
If you saw or spoke to me yesterday can you message me. Trying to make a timeline of the day I was too drunk to remember
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Randomize
