You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.
Dude you just tried to have a one night stand with my ex girlfriend while we were trying to put you to bed upstairs.
but that still doesn't explain how i woke up on the couch down stairs.
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
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Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???
Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.
Like handprints on my lower back...
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
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We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I have a pair of clean panties in my purse. This is having your life together.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
Not my fault the fence refused to just break when I ran into it.
we got cockblocked by his mom again...its like she has a radar on me
please stop trying to sleep with him
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