Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.
Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
She is still a psychotic unstable bitch, and is therefore PERFECT drinking game fodder
Almost screamed "GO FISH MOTHER FUCKER" at the girl I nanny today. Drunken card games shouldn't bleed into my sober life.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
The problem with having sex on the couch is that your blanket ends up in the laundry and you're left cold on the couch the next day.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Serious question: is he hot or is my vagina just that barren?
Let's just grow old together and be the crazy ladies that sit on the park bench, drinking booze from flasks and loudly talk about people who walk by.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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