There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
wtf I can't believe that bar tender told on me to my mom
Eating an avocado like an apple while doing shots of fireball and watching finding nemo. I need to get my shit together.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
I'd like to thank Vicodin for getting me through family thanksgiving once again.
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
Randomize
