I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
This girl ordered Hershey syrup and red wine and he made it for her
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I really dont wanna go to a traffic light party. I have nothing red to pretend I'm taken with. Without something red my "my girlfriend is away in the mines" story wont work.
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
Only you could successfully troll for dick at a Hillel bake sale.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
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