someone threw a dead crab at me
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
Was almost hungover and got scared, skipped hungover, back to hammered. Fuck real life
Then you bent down and whispered, "excuse me mr. Stair, could you please stop moving?"
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Like every two minutes he would pull out and whipser "don't you do it, you bastard" while looking at his penis. His new name in my phone is 'penis whisperer'
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
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