i met him on craigslist. and no i'm not a hooker.
I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I'M GETTING MARRIED!
YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.
Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.
Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
tried to make it look like I had been conscious/awake and out all day when I stumbled into cvs at 6pm to buy plan B
update: I failed
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
I accidentally told my mom I broke my drug nail this weekend
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Randomize
