he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous
in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.
Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!
History professor is at the bar. Hurry! There's only so many A's he could give before it starts to look bad.
I'm pretty sure the bus driver knew how hung over I was and hit all the pot holes on purpose. I threw up into my water bottle.
when I said energy drinks I meant cocaine
The alcohol just runs so smoothly thru my veins.
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
My roommate has a sixth sense about my jerking off and walks in EVERY. SINGLE. TIME.
Randomize
