Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I'd love to come and give you a massage, but we already duck taped my keys to the ceiling...
I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.
yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.
Dude you ate toast sprawled out on my kitchen floor and said "this is comfy". No more day drinking.
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
She was moaning so loud as i walked out of the room her roommates gave me a standing ovation... i think they are next
We hit a golf ball off Brady's ass. His dignity flew away into the night.
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
If u ever apologize to me for "too-rough" sex again I will suspend ur all-access pass to my vagina indefinitely
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
Randomize
