WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
The worst part was when my mom got more drunk than anyone else and started doing the Time Warp.
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.
And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.
I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Also I just took a shit at a bar so always remember that ANYTHING is possible.
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Someone needs to get Mark off the roof. I told you that he doesn’t shut up about ancient Egypt if you give him henny.
last night you made out with a 19 year old on a bar and i woke up with a swede in my bed. lets just say that never happened.
Randomize
