I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant
I came out of bedroom with my jeans on backwards, zipped AND buttoned. I have inconceivable talents whilst intoxicated.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
I’m getting reeeeaaalll tired of telling cute boys I gave them chlamydia.
That’s two in three months. You really know how to live.
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
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