just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.
I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
If you can find a Canadian Lesbian to have pity sex with me, let me know.
It was like something out of a fucked up fairy tale. He just crowdsurfed over to her while riding a keg, said "come sail with me", and then the crowd carried them off into the night. What.
Can we just talk about how I wrote out all the stuff I had to do this week and for Thursday it says "drink and cry"? ...I don't remember putting that but it sounds like something I would do
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
The medical term is prolapsed anal walls if you want to look into it with dignity.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
