a hangover this bad deserves a feeding tube
I Just realized that having a picture folder that says "not for mom" may give off the wrong impression to wondering eyes
Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
Randomize
