I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
Absolutely. I could drink and smoke that memory away in a matter of years at my current rate.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Is it day drinking when the suns up like when does that start
asking for a friend
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
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