the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
Just passed a strip club with a Marquis sign that said 'tis the squeezin'
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
he is literally lying on the floor eating cookies. doing nothing. and as i was hitting him he needed to protect the cookies more than himself.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
You're right. Single life welcomed me back with open arms. It's like it knew it wasnt going to be long when I left.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
It's just great that Easter is on 4/20 this year. Now everyone can enjoy the Easter egg hunts. And being around my whole family.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
I'm sorry about the spring break comment. I won't make anymore pornos, I promise.
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Randomize
