I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
Now back to adults eating hotdogs.
Invite that kid who wants to become a priest. I WANT ON.
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Meeting him up for him to pay half of the Plan B was awkward but worth it cause I'm broke as fuck
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I AM DRUNK AND AGGRESSIVE ABOUT CURLING!
The US is in the finals, aren't they.
Do you remember vividly describing the shape and girth of my cock to that girl last night?
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
I don't know what that means but it's making me want to fuck you.
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