Please don't tell anyone I peed on your wall.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...
Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
HIS DICK IS GLORIOUS AND I WANT TO RIDE IT TO VALHALLA
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
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