Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
It was like a little tadpole swimming in the big ocean.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
She was drinking straight whiskey out of her peacock shaped vase again.
Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night
2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.
I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Randomize
