if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.
you fail at everything in life besides blacking out
Because you failed to stop the wedding, now I have to be a homewrecker. My eternal damnation is on your head I hope you're proud.
just move with us, we wanted to get a dog. youre kind of the same thing..
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
there's no judgement here...i was recently just fingered in my dorm hallway while having a conversation with 5 people.
She made me watch three musicals and then told me she was too tired for me to stay over. I think I'm being punished but I have no clue what I did.
Randomize
