I've rolled joints bigger than that penis.
We George Forman grilled some girls phone last night.
it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
I dinstinctly remember making out to "I believe I can fly" and waving my arms like a bird to the beat.
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
my longitudinal study of the long term effects of sloth and alchol-intake is nearly complete.
so you are graduating this semester.
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
And my parents said I crawled through the house
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
At least life still wants to fuck me.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
Randomize
