So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!
I am not saying a eulogy for your vibrator.
PS: I just woke up from my shower
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
They had like literally all the dildos. It looked like a seance for dick. I left the apartment and haven't been back.
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
If I end up in the hospital remind me to order jimmy johns.
Why?
They deliver.
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
dude. I can hear the air.
Hmm should I take my nipple rings out before my sisters wedding/family vacation in Puerto Rico where I will be with my mother 24hrs a day for four days wearing a bathing suit seemingly the entire time? Or should I just risk it and not hug anyone.
Risk it. Keep the titties tough.
Randomize
