My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
i just got a clause named after me in the 'alcohol and drug use' section of the handbook. this is certainly a warning sign.
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
I got kicked out of the bar for suggesting that the bartender drop her tits into my Redbull instead of the usual liquor
It's all a blur. I just remember holding some strangers baby
Yah. Thai people are way too trusting
So wise, so handsome, so good at oral sex.
So I had sex with a hook nosed, lisping masadonian last night.
Glad that degree in literature is paying off. Nice adjectives. Maybe set the bar a little higher though?
Using all my books as packing buffer for my liquor bottles. And you said being an English major was worthless.
he played intl players anthem 4me and ate a strawberry out of my pussy
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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