I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?
Succeeded.
My carpet still smells like piss and I THINK YOU KNOW WHY.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak
Everything's fine I'm just stoned and my pillows are too soft.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Wow i don't think I've had to send this many texts apologizing for my behavior since high school...
And that is why we dont do tequila shooters at 1 in the afternoon. Because you go home with a beast like that
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Oh god theyre drunkenly throwing knifes now, definitely the best movie I've worked on
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Randomize
