she calls it her "sourpuss" because everyone makes that face when they see it.
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
I told my mom I had sex with him and even SHE was proud. Now that's saying something.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
Just found the last picture of me as a virgin. Framed it.
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
Someone has big plans this weekend. Just went to throw away the trash and saw packaging for 3 different vibrators on the top of the stack
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Yeah. Of all the things to be cock blocked by a plague is the most unexpected.
Randomize
