you said youd get me home safely, you dropped me off at 9:30 last night and i just woke up on my porch.
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
Well yesterday i made out with the entire football team and rifht at this very moment our waiter looks like a ken doll. Straight up. And he gave me wine so ill probly make out with him
college has opened so many doors for you
It was like a drunk episode of Dora the Explorer. In English.
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Did you spray paint that captain morgan fifth that's in the freezer gold?
Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
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i was completely deserted.. so i stood outside starbucks for 20 minutes trying to convince the employees to open early and take care of me.. fuck you guys
Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
He wants me to tell you "my boner misses you"
Im so drunk and the cops showed up so i ran on all 4's through the woods because i had no shoes hoping they would mistake me for a fox
On the brightside we know now that empty pringle cans are accepted at mcdonalds as cups.... Screw people who judged us, we saved a buck
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