Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.
He just wants an even tan
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.
I hear you
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I'm not trying to be dramatic but if someone makes you choose between getting a Brazilian or dying. For the sake of your sanity just fucking die
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
We were licking ciroc off the poker table
Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?
I'm coming right back.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
So from zero to dumpster fire, how shitty do you feel this morning? I'm hovering somewhere around trainwreck.
I'm like a hairless cat ready to be ravished
I got really stoned and got my certification as an ordained minister. How productive has your day been?
After you punched me you ran away and it took an hour to find you... On the wrong floor... Sitting alone saying "it doesnt make sense"
Not even a manhunt keeps my brother and his friends from the bars
Randomize
