I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
Last day of classes. 1st day attending every class. I'm proud of myself
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
Again??? Now we can't ever fucking go there again STOP PEEING IN FOYERS
this whole "benign brain tumor" is truly a blessing in disguise. I almost want to start bringing MRIs to the bar because sympathy pussy is flowing like the nile
The guy that stalks me just looked out his window and saw me in his neighbor's hot tub. Get your shit ready the fraternity wars are starting.
All I wanted was to die alone with my dogs....how did I end up here
I don't know if I should laugh or punch you
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
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