ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
We had an indepth conversation about his employment at Arbys..
SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.
It was like a square peg in a round hole... I've never seen one shaped like a stick of butter...
And amler is totally snoring loud as fuck sitting on the steps with her feet in a puddle of soda puke
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
What color nail polish screams, "Either fuck me or get the hell out of my way"?
I still don’t believe you, the dog DID NOT tear down the shower curtain and shit on the floor.. we found you in the fetal position in the bathroom holding your tequila gun. It was you!
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
