i was born a porn star she said
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
Where are you and who are these girls passed out on the floor?
and why are they spooning a flamingo?
they traded weed for a spot on our floor. be nice.
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
She said she had a surprise for me and sent me a video of her having sex with some fat dude. It was a mood killer
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I know it's New Year's Eve but if you're going to have a bunch of chicks playing strip go fish in our apartment I need a heads up.
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