she gave me a schnouzer then wanted to kiss while we were having sex...i had to puppy slap her nose. pick me up out front.
What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
Straight up asked lady in a lime green jumpsuit how to make your ass clap. That thing wiggled more beautifully than ocean waves at sunset
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
The ONLY reason I am doing laundry is because all my sweatpants are dirty.
These last few days with George, grandma, and now Carrie all dying have been pushing me further and further into rum's sweet embrace.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
Life is clearly unfair. You remember Courtney has three older sisters, well they're all "make baby sister look like a four" hot. I knew I shouldn't go home with her.
He fucks strippers and doesn’t have a life plan. Of course I’m going to regret this
Randomize
