I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
i told her she would have to blow me everytime we lost a game of beer pong, she never noticed i purposely hit our opponents in the face every other shot
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.
Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Better than last year. I didn't wake up to an after thanksgiving human shit on my living room floor. I think it's a sign I'm growing up at almost 30.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
She was trying to be sexy well putting on my condom with her mouth when her cat pounced from the corner of the room witch caused her to gasp and inhale the condom
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
Randomize
