why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.
I honestly don't know what to make of that.
A ham sandwich would be nice.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
This love triangle bullshit is getting out of hand. It's now a love polygon and I want out
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Have you ever given your heart and soul to someone and they turn out to be nothing but a great fuck that makes a mean grilled cheese because same
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
I have to stay away from bourbon. Despite what it keeps telling me, it is NOT my friend.
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