haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
do you ever lay in the bath and watch the blood hit the water?
EWW. Don't discuss your period with me. You can go shave your back now.
Okay I'm all about any plan that ends with "We're gonna get you drunk."
Just saw him riding in a basket on the front of a bike trying to feed the other guy beer. He screamed 'PARTY BIKE BITCHES!' at me as they rode past.
I lied. He's hitting on a drag queen now. Should I rescue him or take pictures?
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I held the blackjack dealer's hand and told the old asian woman she was 'soft to the touch, but cold as ice"
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Well I just had a flashback of something I did in the 4th grade. Now I can't go back to sleep.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
We had an argument over whether or not she had super strength. She settled it by dragging me to the bed room and throwing me on the bed. Then forcefully fucking me. She won the argument.
I'm sorry you had to knock him out on your birthday. But that also means I won the bet that you'd hit someone so you owe me 40. dollars
Randomize
