I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I was in the bathroom puking up mountains of tequila and when he came to help me, I held the door shut and kept yelling at him to let me be a lady.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I'm sitting at dinner with my family looking over sexts. The thirst is far too real. They're talking about retail and I'm like haha, yes, you are all correct.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
I got arrested in a leprechaun onesie
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
I think I just read the whole internet. Front to back.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
I think the hamburger goblin stole my cigarettes. I left my purse behind her table and they're not in it now.
Just landed in Atlanta. Still drunk. I can't feel my face
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Randomize
