I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.
I was making out with him, and then his friend randomly took off my pants and started going down on me. My first semi-threesome was a success.
Just played slippy cup. Flip cup plus slip n slide. What did you do with your fourth of july?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen
You have to summon your inner elephant
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
God gave me a talent besides one night stands. I feel like I should use it
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
I need ecstasy. And, before you ask, the answer is yes right now
Well I just woke up to no pants, Gatorade on the headboard along with an uneaten steak, and the instinct I was a giant asshole.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Fucking hate kids. In particular I hate our kids.
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