my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.
the wall and i were having dominance issues.
I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.
Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too
Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.
This is one of those times I wish I had a time machine so I could go back and punch myself in the face to make me realize what I need to do before it's too late
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
I can smell the sangria seeping out of my pores
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
Someone just asked me if I was chewing red hot gum.... I'm LITERALLY SWEATING OUT FIREBALL.
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
Randomize
