I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Nyc is like a mosaic of my failed dates.
There is somethin about your sexuality that makes my dick do jumping jacks when I see you
and next time when you feel me up, do it right
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
You kept referring to your penis as "this guy."
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
Holy fuck, spaghetti burritos are the best idea I've ever had.
His name was Kyle but I insisted on calling him baby Jesus all night and then we did a line and he bought me Taco Bell so idk
This guy is like Don Jon! Im over here this weekend and at least four times I've heard porn on his phone thru the bathroom door.
Almost stopped showering halfway through to go get food
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Honestly cannot tell if I’m magical or really, really high.
Stop thinking about me and go on your date... at least I got the glitter off your face first.
Randomize
