This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
As I was sneaking out of his house last night his moms lover was sneaking in, he held the door for me...
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
My walk of shame was 2 miles of feathers flying off of me, underwear in hand, and a homeless man telling me he'd pray for me. It was gold medal worthy.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
Randomize
