You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
I woke up this morning with 2 australian chicks passed out in my living room, a whole bunch of coke on my kitchen counter and I have no idea how the fuck either thing got there
I just put a picture of what I imagine Rob's dick looks like on it on my vision board. thank you Oprah!
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
I just had a flashback to me puking and you telling me it was okay because my boobs still looked awesome.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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