I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Wow, I just woke up in this conference with the woman beside me staring at me. This is what happens when hungover people sit in warm rooms...
After you puked in the bathtub you claimed you were never eating quesadillas again and you never even ate a quesadilla
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
The night's not a success unless at least 60% of participants wake up with bite marks on their genitals the next morning.
I don't know what kind of parties you go to, but we should hang out more often.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
