I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.
Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem
I think my sister is getting tired of me breaking into her house so I can sleep with random girls when shes not there
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
I legitimately had a champagne shower last night at a rave. I was also carrying around two bananas in my pockets like guns. Drunk doesn't even. Begin to explain My night.
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He came all over her clothes we have to leave
OH MY GOD REMEMBER ALL THAT I LOVE NEW YORK I DVRED BECAUSE I JUST DID
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
to be fair i didnt know she wanted to sleep with me
WHY THE FUCK ELSE WOULD SHE DRAG A STRAIGT MAN INTO A VICTORIA'S SECRET CHANGEROOM GODDAMMIT
Randomize