I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
One thing i hate about playoff baseball: George Lopez
We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting
I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.
I feel bad for the next person that's gonna live in my room. There's so much semen on the carpet
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!
Oh btw I took the eighth out of the plastic wrap so I could use it to wrap my red pepper. This can be seen as either pathetic or resourceful.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Ok. After that I think I'm going to drag queen jello wrestling if you would care to join.
I need mimosas to revive my soul
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