Duck Duck Cougar?
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.
On the back of that comment, I've formed a theory that as a result of my brainwashing your drunk self actually believes that beards are your calling.
She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
Randomize
