I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
my shit smells like andre
It was ok at first, but now im getting freaked out by him jerking off to me doing yoga
I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.
Guys, right now i need a picture of a squirrel, preferably with one of you guys but not necessary.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
The fool I made of myself at the Ugly Christmas Sweater party last night was surpassed this morning when I walk of shamed 6 miles at 7am with one mysterious wet leg and no pants on. I think my mom saw me and waved.
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro
I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
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