she woke up with a sticky ear
explain to me why "crisis hotline lolz" is in my contacts?
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
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He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.
your body is your temple. do you really want a bunch of dicks in your temple?
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
She text me that night and asked how the dick was and I quote my drunk self "average at best"
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I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
next time you go get food at three am and leave a rando here can you warn me??? Also i tazed him. but it was just my little one so i think he'll be fine. bring me some fries.
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
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